The Watcher: November 2021
It’s daylight-savings time, we are about a quarter of the way through the NBA season, and I still have no idea what time it is or what to make of the Lakers, SO, it’s time to sit back and take a look at the season so far and ponders the questions that may leave us at unfulfilled answers. Allow me to be your guide though these vast new realities that I just made up. Follow me and dare to face the unknown. All while pondering the question: What If….?
What If….Shaq never turned down a spokesman gig?
SHAQ. Shaquille O’Neal. The Big Aristotle. The Diesel. THe Big Shaq-Awookee. One of the most dominant centers, nah players, in NBA history. During his time, he was one of the highest paid players in the league and amassed game checks totalling $286 million dollars for 19 seasons in the Association. The Big Bag of Money has a big life and an even bigger personality, which has led him to be one of the most prolific ad men/endorsers in recent memory. He has collected sponsorships from the likes of AriZona Cream Soda, Icy Hot, Gold Bond, Buick, The General, Pepsi, Reebok, and even Zales. Every year he makes almost 22 million dollars in endorsement dollars. I don’t believe he has even seen a sponsorship check that he won’t cash. He even has a board seat at Papa John’s, which is extra funny given their founders penchant for certain derogatory phrases.
Side bar: I think it’s especially funny because what better way to prove you aren’t racist, then by hiring the largest black friend you can. If you got need a 7-foot, 300-pound man with voice that sounds like young Lou Rawls with a smoking habit, to hawk pain relief patches, he is your guy. I often wonder What If...he just never turns these commercials down. Now, truthfully, he probably turns down a ton of commercials that he gets calls to do. Between being an analyst for the NBA, starring in commercials, and managing like 150 Five Guys chains, he can’t do ALL of them….but what if he just did. What commercials would we see him in? Shaq for Pellegrino Water. Shaq for Yankee Candle. Shaq for Depends incontinence pads (I don't know if he is old enough for that yet).
Is there a universe where Shaq is just in every commercial during a TV break? Does he think he could do them all? Maybe he decides that, in order for him to maximize his endorsement deals, he needs to reinvest his fortune in developing an army of Shaq replicants, designed only to read ad copy and be mildly goofy. Everytime he has a commercial shoot, he just takes one out of a freezer and sends him to collect on those ad checks. I honestly can't think of a more “Shaq” scenario than being able to essentially take over the world with an army of 7-foot tall behemoths but instead using them to hawk IcyHot back patches. Even with the most advanced Shaq-nology, he would probably be the goofiest person in any known universe.
What IF...Mascot Fights?
If you haven’t been watching sports news lately, then you may have missed this (though you’re reading this article, so I assume you have) but there was a little bit of a...kerfuffle a few weeks back involving a Mr. Lebron James. In a game against the Pistons, the Lakers small forward/point guard/general manager got in a toss up with Piston youngster, Isaiah Stewart, causing them both to be thrown out of the game.
Now, I am describing it lightly because there was some blood involved and a lot dudes holding back other dudes from doing stupid dude things, but I do that because basketball has a bad history with fighting, especially in Detroit. If you aren’t old enough to remember the “Malice At The Palace”, it basically changed how arenas were set up for games and beefed up security from there on out. Back in the early-2000s, when we couldn’t go anywhere without a $300 oversized throwback jersey and Air Force 1s, a fan threw a drink at one of the players after an altercation at the end of a game. Specifically, that player was Ron Artest, who was known for being as volatile as your household supply budget after walking through the doors of a Target.
In one of the greatest examples of “F*** around and find out”, Artest went into the stands to confront the fan, which escalated what should have been a pretty mundane “Tough Guys getting angry but don't feel like getting fined their entire game check” situation, into an all-out WWE style brawl. Look it up on Youtube, it’s a wild scene. Now, back to today. Lebron James hits Isaiah Stewart with a chippy shot, but connects with his face instead of a less soft piece of human tissue. Stewart, now bleeding from his face, gets rightfully upset and is looking to really give away his game money to the league by putting Lebron in traction.
Now, everything turned out ok, but its one of those situations where I wonder what would happen if you just let them fight. Basketball and football are the only two major sports where fighting is considered the ultimate act of disgrace. Hockey fighting is pretty regular, there are even rules of engagement. No gloves, and at worst someone is getting a 10 minute penalty. In baseball, it’s frowned upon but no one is “disrespecting” the game, and it doesn’t make ESPN headlines for a month. If basketball players or football players do it, it’s on Fox News immediately as a reason the black community is in the pits. Tucker Carlson feverishly rubbing one out under his desk at the thought of his contract being extended to cover this “American Travesty” (eye roll).
In all seriousness, what happens if we let them fight? Besides the obvious issue of someone getting hurt or getting a season ending injury, what is the recourse? I like to think Commissioner Adam Silver has some interesting ideas about what we can do to limit player fights but also help sell tickets to games. While sitting at his desk, he comes up with an idea to end all ideas. If we can’t have the players fight, why not give them surrogates? Better yet, why not have the surrogates be the mascots?! Silver runs to his phone and asks for an emergency meeting with the owners to implement his new rule, the Mascot rule. If two players get into an altercation over a possession or a foul, the mascots of each team are the only ones allowed to fight each other.
Fans come from around the world, not just to see the Chicago Bulls play the Orlando Magic, but with the hopes that Benny the Bull has to fight Stuff the Magic Dragon, in a “Hell-in-The-Cell” style match to see which team will be shooting free throws the rest of the quarter. Rocky, the Nuggets mountain lion, two-time welterweight champion and having to defend his title against the Spurs Coyote sounds quite interesting, especially in those mundane stretches of the season. It’s like live action Super Smash Bros, and I’m so mad that I’m putting this idea out into the multiverse for free.
