Dear Barbie:

Tell me all your secrets. You never age or gain weight. Almost 63 and looking not a day over 23! A little nip and tuck over the years perhaps? Well, you look fantastic. Now if we’re telling secrets, I’ll tell you one: 

I never much liked you, but pretended to be a fan to please my friend Amy at elementary school play-overs. I fooled her so much that I once received you in your Peaches ‘n Cream opulence for my birthday. 

Tell me, what do you think of the real-life Barbie who sustains herself on air? Or all the girls who starve themselves to live up your impossible beauty standards? I know it’s not entirely your fault. You didn’t ask to be born so freakishly disproportionate, or to never age.

Here’s a thought: What if you convince your handlers to let you show some wrinkles? Even your 96-year-old-Iris Apfel iteration is wrinkle-free. How about a birthday BOTOX-free debut? You could do some real good by letting the real you come out and play.

Come on, Doll. What do you say?

Sincerely,

Gay and aging naturally in a very plastic Miami